LIZ JONES'S DIARY: In which I finally move house (2024)

25 shares

Why are men useless? What is the point of them, really?

David 1.0 came to help with the final move of my things. His job was to go ahead and ‘man’ the vicarage, while I would tidy up and follow on behind. The removal people at first said they weren’t insured to go upstairs: it would have helped if they’d warned me when I’d emailed photos and dimensions of each piece of furniture.

We eventually got everything in the van. I stayed behind to clean the cottage, sort my dogs. I finally locked up, to find David sitting in his car. ‘Why are you still here?’

‘I can’t charge the satnav.’ He lost his phone on his last visit. Two days before, he borrowed my phone to call EE and order himself a new one. Much later, he told me he thinks he paid my £154 phone bill by mistake on the automated line. I spent the next day online, speaking to a robot to find out if my bill had indeed been paid, and would my direct debit be taken as planned. I DON’T NEED MORE TASKS!

‘But you have been to the house three times! You must know the way.’

‘I know, but I can’t remember.’

I drove. I might as well grow a penis. He had bought me a toolbox as a gift; I’ve never owned a screwdriver before, have merely paid people to do stuff. I asked if he could put up a brass letterbox to replace the plastic one, given he had told me earlier he could put up shelves in my new office.

He had spent a couple of days getting the rust off my 1920s French desk, which had been stored in a garage, but he had kept sitting in his car, as he ‘lacked the energy’. Before he started work on the desk, he asked, ‘Do you have a transistor radio? I want to listen to a play on Radio 4.’ It’s as though I have woken up and it’s 1954. ‘No, of course I don’t. Can’t you use your phone… Ah.’

First spat in the new house. The removal van was parked in the double gates to the graveyard; there’s a small gate to one side.

A woman with a dog started yelling, ‘You have to move the van! There is no access for a mobility scooter!’ No disabled person was in sight, and the van was only there for five minutes. Welcome to the village!

I unpacked most things from boxes, then came to check on his handiwork at the front door. He had placed the letterbox to one side of the hole. ‘But it is supposed to be in the middle of the door. You measure the width, then with a pencil, you mark where you’re going to drill.’

‘I was doing it by eye.’

‘Now there will be lots of holes.’

With that he said the F-word and stormed off. Yet men still believe we will want to have sex with them.

We watched Marcus Wareing Simply Provence.

‘You see, this is what we are aiming for.’

David 1.0 hasn’t had a haircut since before lockdown as it is ‘too difficult to park in London, plus the Ulez charge’.

‘Can’t you get your hair cut like Marcus?’

He set off to find a barber.

Me: ‘Do you want to show the hairdresser a picture of Marcus on your ph… Ah.’

He came back looking a hundred times better.

‘Did you tell the hairdresser about Marcus?’

‘She’d never heard of him.’

I then asked if he had any useful furniture he could bring, if indeed he does move in*. Remember, I still don’t own a bed; my existing small double belongs to my landlady at the cottage. I gave my kingsize Vispring to Nic.

‘Not really. I thought I’d just leave it. The next homeless person might want it. I’ll bring my lumberjack shirts. Nothing else fits any more.’

I’m reminded of the day I picked up my future husband from his parents’ house in Ealing, spied his collection of trainers and instantly regretted my invitation for him to move in. I should have trusted my instincts.

*My wonky letterbox is a constant red flag

Jones moans...What Liz loathes this week

• Have you seen the new Anne Hathaway film? She plays a 40-year-old woman who dates a 20-something pop star. He buys all the art in her gallery, but she dumps him as her daughter finds the online abuse ‘upsetting’. Why do women put children before their own happiness?
• Arriving to fit carpet in my office, the men said, ‘Hmm, the small landing, was that in the estimate? We might not have enough, it’s gonna be tight!’ A huge square was left over that I’m now using as a rug. Why are people so negative?

Contact Liz at lizjonesgoddess.com and find her @lizjonesgoddess